Locked Lips Sink Ships

The media still seems to have its collective crotchless panties in a twist about the ‘shocking’ kiss between Madonna and and Britney on the MTV Video Awards. And, oh yeah, that lip-lock between Madonna and that other skank.

Madonna, as reported in a second-day lead, takes credit for thinking up this stunt. Collective memory being what it is, the media seems to have conveniently forgotten that not more than a couple of months or so ago, Madonna was doing a publicity tour saying that she didn’t want any more publicity and that fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. But, like a lost little street addict, she couldn’t live long without her drug of choice — publicity.

Those who forget history are doomed to be subject to Madonna’s bullshit.

Now, I’ll sit up and take notice when 50 Cent and Snoop show some mutual tongue action on national television. That’ll put some shizzle in my fizzle. (I know. I’m a white guy. I have no idea what that means.)

California Hat Dance

Maybe it was the fact that, despite the naysayers, Jesse Ventura was actually elected governor of Minnesota. Maybe it predates that, way back to the über celebrity-turned-politician, our not-so-illustrious Prez #40. But somehow, it seeped into the collective American consciousness that the only thing one really needs to be a politician is name recognition. Qualifications be damned!

Based on an announcement earlier today, it’s feasible (though, admittedly, not exactly likely) that we could face a country in the not-too-distant future in which Jerry Springer could hold a U.S. Senate seat, Arnold Schwarzenegger could be the Governor of California, and — saints preserve us — Rev. Al Sharpton could be sitting in the Oval Office. And, yes, behind the desk. (Do you think Tawana Brawley could pass muster at a Senate confirmation hearing for a cabinet post? Even that’s possible, if Jerry Springer is doing the questioning.)

I wonder who’ll be the next to declare?

Perhaps ballerina-manqué Lara Flynn Boyle will run for Governor. It would have to be Delaware. You know where I mean — it’s that really skinny state on the right hand side of the country. Just don’t expect any promises of school lunch programs from her.

Maybe Survivor’s Jeff Probst will take a stab at a run for office. He has all the current qualifications — he’s telegenic (or maybe tele-generic would be a better word choice), he can read cue cards, he can say utterly ridiculous things with a straight face. And, at least, in office, he’d be obligated to wear long pants, so we wouldn’t have to look at his bony knees.

Why is that Kaczynski-esque tarpaper shack in the mountains of Montana sounding more and more appealing to me every day?

Some People …

In New York, the temperature hasn’t been above freezing since January 12.

In Minnesota, yesterday it was 35 below zero.

All across the South, wind chill factors make it feel like it’s zero.

Here in L.A., people are bitching because it only reached 70 today.

The ABC’s of Right-Wing Bitches

This must be the week for right-wing bitches to attempt redemption on national television. In a segment I’ve been referring to as the “Interview with the Vampire,” ABC’s PrimeTime Thursday features Katherine Harris, Florida’s Secretary of State and heir-apparent to the hair stylist, orange-juice fortune, and ideology of Anita Bryant, shows her mascara-laden self in an effort of self-justification.

Then, if the Katherine Harris appearance doesn’t inspire you to pledge never again to change your channel from the Cartoon Network, 20/20 — also on ABC — features the ever-vile but always jokeworthy Linda Tripp, replete with makeover. While her new hairstyle and facelift might make her an appropriate guest for Ricki Lake or Jenny Jones, it’s not exactly enough of a news story for a newsmagazine show. (Unfortunately, this subhuman horror hasn’t had a soul makeover, which would perhaps be a start at true redemption.)

Do these two think they’re going to change anybody’s opinions of them by these appearances? Or are they just so media-hungry that they haven’t even figured out why they’re going public? Maybe someday I’ll understand.

Is There a Real Doctor in the House?

So what’s the deal with celebrities and their belief they can get away with things that no one else could? Take, for example, the event this week during which a not-very-respected radio talk show pseudo-shrink decided she could return used panties to an upscale Beverly Hills department store. How vile! And, to make matters worse, she didn’t even have the nerve to do it herself — she sent her assistant to do her embarrassing dirty work for her. (And was she so arrogant to think no one would notice? Or talk?)